nothing at all.
it’s been weeks.
and i’m pretty sure i’m going to be okay.
we ended because i couldn’t take it.
i wanted to be with who he used to be.
seven years down the drain.
he’s never going to change.
he fucked me up so bad.
this is horrible.
so I’ve been updating mine and Zach’s relationship on here, even if no one reads it, I still update it. we’re still the same.. still kissing, still doing all that couple shit. but, it’s not the same for me. I feel like I’m catching on to this whole thing… I feel like he’s lying. I feel like he just wants to break down that final wall I have up, just to say that he did it, and he can leave.
I can’t fucking do this anymore. legit it makes me sick to my fucking stomach when we have sex because I know it doesn’t make him feel the way it makes me feel…way more in love with him.
and that’s what disgusts me. how can you sit there and make this innocent girl fall in love with you, when you know you don’t feel the same way about her. when you know, in the end, no matter what, she is going to get her heart broken. how can you not care? HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE THAT YOU ARE SHATTERING SOMEONE? I do not understand how someone could be so sick.
but what else really disgusts me, is I’ve known this for how long, but I just stay with him. I love him too much to leave. it hurts too much to leave. I did it once, and it broke me.. but I think if he leaves me, it’s going to hurt worse. I can’t take him leaving me again. the last time he did that, it broke me. it fucking crushed me. I didn’t think I could ever love again..
I need to find someone to appreciate me.. fuck..
now we’re talking again, and I have no idea what the fuck is going on. we had sex and we’re kissing, hugging, holding hands, and cuddling and all that cute couple shit.. but we’re not dating. it’s so fucking confusing. he’s mine and I’m his, but what the fuck lol I don’t knowwww ughhhhh
relationships are shit
well. just like i thought.. we broke up. i fucking knew it was going to happen. it was just a matter of time. but i just want to say now, it’s only been two weeks since we broke up and i am completely okay with it. I FUCKING LOVE IT. i’m single and can be free. i can do whatever the fuck i want with whoever the fuck i want without worrying what Zach is going to say. i really can’t see myself in another relationship again.
he fucked me up so bad
so now what have i been doing? talking to random ass guys and had sex with one of my best friends. i don’t fucking regret anything but i wish i had made different decisions with Zach. but there is nothing i can do about it now. if i can get into another relationship…with the right guy… i can’t change myself for him. the changes i am making to myself now are FOR ME. NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE. i am going back to the old me. i’ve lost 33 pounds and i’m so fucking happy but i want to lose more. one day, i’m going to look fucking gorgeous in my wedding dress.
and i won’t be marrying Zach…fuck that.